Payback's a Bitch, Eh!

April 27^th,, 1813, the invading American forces attacked York (Now known as Toronto), the provincial capital of Upper Canada. They quickly overcame the lightly defended city but took heavy casualties when the Upper Canadians blew up their own munitions magazine. Over the next five days the American forces plundered York and before leaving, set fire to the Legislative buildings along with several others. (Battle of York, Toronto.com)

August, 24, 1814, an invading British force of about 4,000 approached Washington DC, stopping on the outskirts, they sent in a white flag with terms of surrender only to be fired on from windows. Still pissed about York, the British now entered Washington and burned the White House, the Capital building which housed the Library of Congress, the naval yards along with two warships before retreating. 

 

 

October 13, 2015, Day 1, the Cornell’s prepare to make plans to re-invade Washington.  What do you pack for an invasion? Baggage allowances have significantly changed since 1814 so we were somewhat limited in what we could bring. To avoid those extra baggage fees we limited ourselves to carry on, so some things had to be left behind.

 

 

A 10 minute moving sidewalk through the new tunnel to Toronto Airport, 90 minute Porter Airlines flight, a 15 minute bus ride and a final 10 minute commuter train ride found us at our safe house just 30 minutes by commuter train from Washington. The location is inexpensive and perfect for sorties into Washington so  before we leave, we will definitely make reservations for the invasion.  

Day 2, disguised as tourists, we boarded the train for our first incursion into Washington. Our goal was to infiltrate several Smithsonian Museums. What better place than there to learn more about the enemy. Based on our experience we armed ourselves with a high interest credit card, ready to pay those crazy entrance fees charged by museums. Hah, those silly Americans, they don’t charge any entrance fees.  

 

The Air and Space Museum seem to be the best place to start.  It was here we got our first sense that perhaps our planned invasion of Washington would face a few hurdles. The museum was filled with significant fire power. Four intercontinental ballistic missiles to start with. Thats four more than we could bring to bear.

 

 

 Don't get me started on their space hardware.

Our next stop, the Museum of American History where they were advertising a new exhibition called American Innovation. Threre was no weaponary on display today but we did discover that American innovation has produced cheese whiz, dental floss, potato chips, vacuum cleaners, mousetraps, fortune cookies, deodorant and my favourite, the remote control.

 

 

 

Any successful invasion requires good intelligence. Yulia, a member of our extended Harbin family has been living in Virginia just outside of Washington for a couple of years so we suborned her into helping us.

 

 

A successful infiltration requires good transportation so we jumped on the train out to her home. We were also able to to carry out a recon of  the Pentagon as we needed to change buses there.  It is becoming clear that using public transit will allow us to save a bundle on transportation when we do invade.   No pictures allowed here.                                    

Day 3, we were up early, into Washington for a clandestine breakfast meeting of waffles whipped up by our mole before she dropped us off downtown. The Capital building has grown since it was last invaded in 1814. Our much anticipated first sight of the grand dome was badly marred as it was completely hidden behind scaffolding leaving only our imagination to finish the picture.

Next, we infiltrated the U.S. Supreme Court as it was just next door. Over its entrance is etched the motto “Equal Justice Under Law”, a motto for all of us to live by.

 

 

 

 

There were some people outside who seem to feel the motto should be “Equal Justice Under Law For Some”. Would they be interested in joining our cause?  Nah, probably not a good fit given  our current acceptance of same sex marriage!

 

 

 

 

 

  

From here, we headed out for a recon of The Mall. We discovered that The Mall, is not a mall. No Gap, Tommy Hilfiger Cheese Barn or Victoria Secrets to shop, just a large square cement pond well stocked with pennies.

 

Any good recon should be carried out from the highest point available. The Washington Monument seemed like a good choice.  We arrived too late for the FREE daily admission tickets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So we stealthly and surrpeticiously moved on to the Lincoln Memorial the next highest point on the mall.

 

 

 

 

We dropped by the White House. According to the very big security guard, we had just missed Barack, but he would surely let the President know we had dropped by. Perhaps they suspected that our visit had more sinister motives. Two very expensive drinks on a lovely hotel patio near the White House and we planned our nefarious deeds for the next day.

Day 4 started with a stroke of luck, our intel had uncovered the existence of “The Spy Museum". We quickly added it to our must infiltrate list. How could we not pass up the opportunity to see the latest espionage technology. But alas the opportunity came with a catch, an admission fee. We plopped down our tution fee for a 1 hour secret agent training mission. Failed miserably. Another flaw in our invasion planning.

A visit to the Ford Theatre was next on our list. Not to further our plans but to honour a fallen and respected hero.  The theatre, where Lincoln was assassinated has been eerily and meticulously recreated inside the original building. A Park Ranger provides a compelling narrative around the assassination while we listened and stared up at the infamous balcony.

 A visit to Old Town, Alexandria seemed like  perfect R & R. Filled with 100-200 year old architecture populated by restaurants, cafes, pubs and boutiques, Niagara on the Lake, only on steroids. Here, we witnessed the last vestiges of Hurricane Joaquin. It had not rained that much in the DC area, but the storm had filled many of the tributaries feeding into the Delaware causing some minor flooding. 

Day 5 and it was time to head home with just one more stop before the airport.  There was one more Smithsonian Museum to visit, conveniently located near the airport. Once again, no entrance fee but parking set us back $15.00. A second air and space museum and it was here that our thoughts of another invasion of Washington were dashed, forever to be forgotten. 

 

 It was very clear that it would be better to let bygones be bygones than wake the sleeping giant.

 

 

 

It has been 200 years of peace with the   occasional spirit of cooperation. 

 

 

 

But we may want to revisit the situation again in another 200 years.

 

 

Revisiting the War of 1812 and a few Wineries

 

The weather forecast for the next three days was to be sunny and mild. This enticingly fine October weather, a historical confluence, a free ride (thanks Leah and Will) and the dozens of wineries enticed us to visit the lower part of Upper Canada  which 200 years previously was “ground zero” for the War of 1812.

So armed with a small backpack, reservations at a bed and breakfast and bike rentals we headed out to relive the greatest hits of the War of 1812 and perhaps visit a few wineries. 

June 18, 1812, America declared war on Britain. The British had been harassing the Americans for years, still sore about losing the colonies.

 

 

 

 

The American thinking was that the residents of Upper Canada would rise against the British oppressor and join them in throwing them out of North America. Sound familiar to the American thinking for a number of  Middle Eastern conflicts/wars?

 

Over the next three years, more than 30 battles were fought ending in November of 1814 when the Americans evacuated (some say kicked out of) the Niagara Peninsula.

 

 

The Treaty of Ghent ended the war and was ratified by the British Parliament in the February of 1815. The treaty marked the beginning of over 200 years of reasonably peaceful co-existence.

The Americans are still invading. Now they come in tour buses on bridges that have made it extremely easy to invade again should they get it into their heads. Thankfully, we were smart enough to locate duty free outlets at each bridge to ensure that the invading hordes would not want for souvenirs and we could make a few bucks from any invasion.

 

 

 

A 90 minute drive saw us dropped off (thanks Leah and Will) at one of these Duty Free shops. A short hike brought us to one of the busier Niagara Falls tourist attractions, the floral clock.  Not sure I see the attraction, but there was a tour bus pulling up every 10 minutes, spouting seniors by the dozen.

 

 

 

From here, we connected with local transit for a bus ride into Niagara on the Lake. Niagara on the Lake is a cute little place with lots of 100-200 year old architecture populated by restaurants, boutiques, souvenir shops and home to the annual Shaw Festival (George Bernard Shaw) for which we had tickets that night.

 

We took a quick meander down the main street and then a short walk to the bike rental location where we were hooked up with our transportation for the next three days.

 

 

 

 

 

Day two was another beautiful fall day. Our first mission was to carry out a recon of the enemy. Visible across the Niagara River on the American side, looking menacing in the early morning light was Fort Niagara where the American military machine hatched their evil plans for the domination of Upper Canada.

 

Fort Niagara, was started by the French, captured by the British during the French Indian War who then lost it to the Americans during the Colonial Wars (British)/War of Independence (American) who lost it to the British (Upper Canadians) in December 1813 then getting back in the Treaty of Ghent.  

 

From there, we did a bike by of Fort George, built in 1802, the headquarters for the British Army. The invading Americans took it over in May 1813 and used it as a base for the many unsuccessful invasion attempts of Upper Canada till they were served their eviction notice in December of 1814. It served as a Canadian military training ground till 1965. Hopefully it will never be needed again.

From there we hit the Niagara River Recreational trail that would take us along the scenic Niagara River and our next stop, the little Village of Queenston. The Battle of Queenston Heights was the first major battle of the War of 1812.  The Upper Canadian forces under General Brock defeated the Americans and set the tone for the rest of the war.

 

 

Continuing to our next goal was to visit the monumental monument dedicated to General Brock who won the battle of Queenstown Heights but lost the war as he was killed during the battle. (See battle picture above)

 

 

 

 

 

At this point, we had just about enough of war and turned our sights to a more peaceful pastime, turning our wheels in the direction of the nearest winery for which we had a free tasting coupon.  Our collection of free tasting coupons was to act as our guide to for rest of the afternoon.

The weather on day 3 was a mirror of day 2, sunny and mild.  Our mission today included a visit to Fort Mississauga, the baby brother to Fort George, a bike ride along part of the St. Lawrence Seaway to the Go Bus stop in St. Catherine’s and a Go Bus ride back to Toronto. The bike rental people were nice enough to allow us to leave our bikes secured at the YMCA bike racks located across the street from the bus stop.

Fort Mississauga was quickly thrown up in 1814 using the rubble from the nearby town of Niagara, a casualty of the war. Since then, a golf course has been built around the fort making it the oldest and biggest golf course hazard in North America.

The Welland Canal completed construction in 1959 as part of the St. Lawrence Seaway project. It was built to allow large ships to travel from Lake Ontario to Lake Erie, bypassing Niagara Falls and the many rapids located along the Niagara including the massive Niagara Falls.  We spent some time watching a boat/ship pass through Lock #3.

This 4 hour bike ride found us at the Go Bus stop followed by a 90 minute bus ride home to Toronto.

As part of our War of 1812 theme, we will be invading Washington next. Stay tuned.

Parkour- Myth Busted

 

Parkour (French pronunciation: ​[paʁkuʁ]) is a training discipline using movement that developed from military obstacle course training. Practitioners aim to get from one point to another in a complex environment, without assistive equipment and in the fastest and most efficient way possible. Parkour includes running, climbing, swinging, vaulting, jumping, rolling, quadrupedal movement, and other movements as deemed most suitable for the situation.

 

As much as I rely on Wikipedia for all my information, I must disagree with the above statement. As a grandfather, I can unequivocally state that Parkour was not developed as a training discipline, it is an activity that grandchildren developed and have been doing since Adam and Eve became grandparents. 

As proof, I have attached photographic evidence from a recent walk we took with our grandchildren.






The cityscape can be an obstacle course for even the most agile senior but pair them up with grandchildren and there is nothing that can’t be.......... 

 

run on, ..........

 

 

climbed on, ..........

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

swung on, ........ 

 

 

 

vaulted over, ........



 

jumped up, .........

rolled over and.........


 



 

quadrupedaled with movements deemed suitable for the situation.

You may have noticed a mark lack of pictures of the grandparents, but it proved to be too difficult to take a “selfie” while we were busy quadrupedaling .

Horny Grouse Looking for Hot Chick

We were on one of our urban hikes around Toronto, when we came across a Tlinget dance group. The Tlingets are an indigenous native tribe that lives in the Alaskan Panhandle, Northern B.C. and the Southern Yukon. They claim to have 10,000 years of history in their songs and dances and today, the men in the audience were invited up on the stage to take part in the Grouse Dance. 

 

 

 

As it was explained, the male grouse performs a very complex dance to show off all his stuff with the hope to attract a mate. The Tlinget captured these movements in to the Grouse Dance or as the younger Tlinget’s call it, “Horny Grouse Looking for Hot Chick”.  We celebrated our 40^th wedding anniversary this year so a unique renewal of our vows seems appropriate.

  

The dance involved getting your body, low to the ground with one hand shaped like a beak held in front of your face, while the other hand is held behind your butt and splayed to look like tail feathers. 

 

 

The dance had you first threatening other grouse away with your beak then shaking your booty to attract a mate.

 

 

 

The dance had barely begun when I sensed a change in the force. It seemed one of the Tlinget dancers was shaking his tail feathers at my wife.

 

 

  

 

 

 

I had to act quickly before this whole renewal of vows went terribly wrong.

 

 

 

 

Jumping, beak first off the stage, I faced my adversary down.

It must have be the immense size of my beak for that grouse scurried off with his tail feathers between his legs.  

And as in every fairy tale story, she said yes. Again

 I still got feathers.